found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
