Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
