I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
