Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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