ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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