You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
