Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
