Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
