Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
