Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Randomize
