Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
birth control should be required to get into college
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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