I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Randomize
