New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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