I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
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Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
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My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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