I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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