I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
