she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
