she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
