Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
