i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
