im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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