eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
