grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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