I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Boobs speak an international language.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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