You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
