the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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