I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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