i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
