A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
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Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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