I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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