He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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