Only a mothe r could love this liver
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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