I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
