Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
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She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
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Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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