My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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