legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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