i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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