capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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