It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
