i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
