i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
