one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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