i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
