Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
