just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
