just tell him i said nine months
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
