my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
