It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
