Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
