This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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