Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
