The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
