The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
