He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
