there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
