I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
