my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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