Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
4 words: hood of his car
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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