So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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