The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
