We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
